The vomit of fear,
Sadness and hate
Which wrestles in my stomach.
I hold still the hand that
Wants to hit.
I hold back the tear that
Wants to fall.
I just sit, a writhing,
Heartless,
Soulless
Mass.
Age 16
I swallow back
The vomit of fear, Sadness and hate Which wrestles in my stomach. I hold still the hand that Wants to hit. I hold back the tear that Wants to fall. I just sit, a writhing, Heartless, Soulless Mass. Age 16
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Sometimes
I feel like giving up, Like walking out, Like doing my own thing. Sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough, Not smart enough, Can’t do anything right. Sometimes I feel like crying out loud, Screaming out loud, Breaking down to the bone. Sometimes My pain stings sharply, Aches deeply, Satisfies my every need. Age 17 Can you ever really love
If you do not love yourself? Will a relationship ever work If you lack faith Even before stepping in? Can someone’s faith in me Make up for all I lack? Does the doubt I harbor Cause you pain as I imagine? Won’t every person tire Of proving their love over and over Only to never satisfy My insecurities? Won’t I wear out every love By not accepting I may be worthy? Why will nothing quiet The voice of fear in my heart, Begging and pleading not to be broken One last time, At least one time? If I accepted that you loved me And didn’t doubt or fear, If I didn’t worry and fret, If I lost all insecurities And gained true faith in us Would I get bored and leave? Will I ever change Or will you change Just like the others Breaking under the unbearable Demands of loving someone like me, Someone who refuses to love themselves? Age 20 The emotions welling up inside me
Make me question Do I really know what I’m doing? Looking around, I see I’ve surrounded myself Leaving no way out. Was this really my intention? To get in so deep I no longer have the choice, The choice to determine My own life’s path? My own life style? I thought I’d divorced What controlled me, possessed & trapped me. Now here I find myself again Burdened by guilt at the mere thought Of doing something for my own sake My own good, my own future, My own sanity. Age 20 I have a strength that crumbles,
What use is that to me? I have courage I cannot summon, How much courage can that be? I second guess myself In everything I do. I worry over every detail And analyze them all too. It is a very tiring And not-productive task So much I double check, So many questions do I ask. I fear I drive people away Because trust I do not show. How it breaks my heart, I never meant to make them go. Age 19 I will speak
In subtle lies to you. I will whisper What you need to hear. I will smile When you look at me hopefully. I will explain If you look confused. I will hurt According to your assumptions of pain. I will laugh At what you find amusing. I will play Because you feel energetic. I will give myself to you, For you want and need me too. I will sacrifice my identity, And give you who you dream of. Age 17 So much I yearn to tell you,
So much is tucked away, Hidden in my heart. I need you to know My heart is strong and true. I need you to know What I cannot tell you. The years of my past, The souls gone by, All have left a mark. Some have left a scar. It's these prideful, Toughened, cold scars That keep my heart prisoner. I need you to know That my soul still soars, And my heart still sings, And your presence in my life, Its value, its emotional impact, Its truth Is indeed within. Age 17 Locked in a cell
That has no bars, The moon looks so hazy I can see no stars. The light in your eye Fades when you look at me; An empty stare lurks Where the twinkle used to be. Only a cold window to look out With not even a draft of fresh air; The rest of the world looks so busy I know you’d rather be there. Not much longer and you’ll tire Of this game of my sorrow. Loving someone so needy today Will make you grow weary tomorrow. I hunger not; My plate sits untouched on the floor. All of the things I long for, I could have, if I walked through that door. The open door leading To life outside of this place. You want me to follow you, I can see it on your face. But my comfort lies here In this wide open cage Because leaving familiarity Is more than I can wage. Age 20 I have it all
Yet I don’t want it. I don’t want more, better… I want different… Excitement Drama Passion. I pick apart the good Looking only at the negative. I could make the happiest love melody Sound like a funeral song in my head. Why must I do that? Seek out the imperfection in everything, Magnifying it Criticizing it Driving it away. I must be more comfortable unhappy More content believing I’m alone. Happiness bores me So I dissect it To maintain my denial And believe I’m miserable at heart. How sad is it To destroy your own dreams? How sick is it To hate your own love? Age 20 Sitting here
Doing nothing. Every night a repeat Of the night before. A broken-record schedule; A broken heart unhealing. Life happens Around us As though we are not real As if we do not exist. We let it. We let it pass us by The way tourists wander Past old memorial statues Without even a single thought Of the war they represented. Consumed by our displeasing circumstances We rot away to nothing Over And over, Each and every night. Is this a taste Of what is to come? Is this my destiny If I stay with my loved ones? Age 20 |
Struggling with Depression
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